Saturday, August 23, 2014

Day 4

K and I broke up. I'm devastated, but she put me in a position where I had to make a decision. I'm so angry at her. So angry. We had a good relationship, and because of her selfishness and need for male attention, she drove me away. I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to be the man in her life. But she doesn't respect me. And if I don't get the respect that I deserve in a relationship, then I'm going to deck out. I refuse to be treated like an accessory, because I know that there is someone else out there who will love me and treat me well.

But I miss her and still love her. Part of me hopes that she calls and wants to work things out. Part of me hopes that she will understand what she did wrong, and how she will need to change in order for this to work. But I know that's not realistic. I know she's not going to have some amazing revelation in the next month and call me and work things out with me.

What makes me worry is, does she even care? I might never know. She did a lot for me, made it seem like she cared. But, did she? Did she really? I can't trust her, because of all the things she did in the past, and thus, I will never really know if she cared.

I need to move on. I'm sitting here typing and thinking about a chick who probably doesn't give a shit about me, and yet here I am, pining over a relationship that could have gone amazing. I'm too much in my head sometimes.

Everyone is saying I'm gonna hear from her in a couple weeks. I don't know if I'll have the strength to say no.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

End of day 0...thoughts

Giving up porn so far has been pretty easy, but it's only been a few hours. Now that I've developed a better mindset, I think I'm ready to go.

I'm glad today that I was able to do things I didn't want to do. Here's a list of those things:
- went to play bball with random guys. Originally I was just going to drive by and head elsewhere, but I decided to just go there and play. It didn't matter how I played (though I'm bummed that I really sucked balls today), I'm just glad that I didn't listen to my head and went out there.
- decided to go grab some flashcards, etc.
- was going to go out to eat, but decided against it and ate at home. made my own food and saved 6 bucks!

I did see a picture that triggered me to want to watch porn, and I still remember the picture, but I let that feeling pass and decided I would work on myself instead.

One thing that's really bothering me today is about my girlfriend. She told me she's going to get some "spiritual counseling" with a guy named Gerard tomorrow. I have yet to meet this guy, and all I know about him is that he's now a deacon in the catholic church, and he was talking about some very inappropriate things with my girlfriend. What I'm so frustrated about is that this guy tells my girlfriend what to do, and she listens to his advice. What i'm concerned about is that she's going to go to him tomorrow, tell him all about our relationship problems, and then he's going to tell her what to do and that I need to be converted, blah blah blah. The main point is, she's going to listen to him and enforce all that bullshit no our relationship. What is especially frustrating is how, instead of talking things out and having a mind of her own, she needs religion to tell her what is "right" and what is "wrong." There is way too much contradiction and cognitive dissonance from religion that I don't buy into any of that shit. I can tell she's struggling to figure out what's right, because sometimes she's horny as hell and wants to do dirty things, and other times she's very prude. And why has she never invited me over to meet this guy? Why is she going to see him? I know that if she even offered for me to talk to him, I would definitely decline. I'm not interested in meeting him, nor am I interested in what he has to say.

I think what is gonna happen tomorrow is that she's going to talk to him, and he's going to tell her what to do, and she's going to come back and enforce those views on our relationship over the next few weeks. She usually keeps it pretty subtle, and makes it seem like this is something that's been on HER mind, but I'm fairly certain that Gerard is the one telling her how to handle the situation.

I wouldn't have a problem with any of this if Gerard was a girl, and he saw things from an OBJECTIVE point of view. Unfortunately, he's a deacon, so there are going to be certain viewpoints that he has to stand by.

I'm wondering how I'm going to handle this situation. I think that I might distance myself from her a bit tomorrow, but not so overtly; I don't want it to be obvious, yet I kind of do. I'll see how she talks and acts tomorrow, and if she brings up something religious, I'm just going to straight up ask her if this is something that Gerard and her discussed. If it is, and she says that this is what she wants to do, I'll say I understand and respect your wishes, I'm just very disappointed that you need to talk to someone else about this instead of me. She'll say whatever, and then I'll just say that I need the night to myself and that she can leave. Not the best way of getting this solved, but I honestly have enough going on in my life that I don't want to deal with any of this.

Part of me also thinks that I should stand up for what I believe in, and tell her that in order for this relationship to work, we will need to compromise on certain things. I understand that Gerard is your spiritual adviser, and if you think he's helping you with your relationship, then continue to talk to him. I also want to subtly tell her that I'm grabbing lunch with girl friends and talking to other girls, but I don't know how well this would work out, and it's also pretty immature. Talking to her about my concerns and standing up for myself are probably the best things I can do in this situation.

I also think that it's time for her to switch churches. I think that I might need to go take her to those bible question classes and sunday service just because I only have 4-5 months left here and I need her to understand that by putting god above OUR relationship, this relationship will never work.


I think what I'm going to start doing is writing down a lesson I learned at the end of the day, and collect all of them as positive affirmations to tell myself at the end of the day.

Day 0 fucking again

I'm back to day 0. I'm shocked. My brain is literally wired to porn. I need to stop now. I just let go of a gym session, one that I've been waiting for all day just so I could watch porn. I need to stop and I think it's time that I will. I am going to go on yourbrainonporn EVERY day from now on, and I'm going to write in this blog every day so I can break my bad habits. I am seriously fucked right now, this is HORRIBLE. I can't believe I'm THIS addicted.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Day 3 argument

I've been arguing with the lady for the past 3 days, and things were just getting worse and worse. She was mad, I was mad, things were just going to shit. Today, we made a huge step in resolving our argument and I'm hoping that we are able to come to some sort of agreement today.

I think today I did very well about keeping my cool until I realized that I was being verbally attacked. I definitely was pissed off and realized now was the time to take control of the conversation. I made sure not to attack her personally, but to call her out on her behavior and tell her it was out of line. Also driving home and telling her that if she continued to act the way she was and not resolve our issue and understand each other, I'm driving her home. I also called her a bitch and I have no qualms about saying that. She knows she was acting like a bitch, and I'm glad I said it.

I've learned that I will need to bring up her past behavior quite a lot because this is what is effective at driving my message. Today I told her that all the other guys she was with treated her like complete shit, and I'm the love of her life, and this is how she treats me. I told her that I can tell she was mad, but that gives her absolutely no excuse to take her frustration out on me.

Today we solved why we feel the way we do, now we need to come to some sort of a compromise. She definitely seems like she's in this relationship for the long haul, so we'll see how it goes.

Things that I talked about well:
- telling her that she's a great person but when she looses her cool she acts like a bitch
- saying that we need to come to a compromise on things, relationships are about give and take
- calling her out on her behavior
- telling her that every action has a reaction. Gave example of kels and why she was driven away from me.

Things that have happened in the past:
- going to target she takes out a cig and i tell her that I'm uncomfortable with it and she tells me that this is how it's gonna be
- the whole talking to ex-bf thing and how that wasn't cool because it was like me talking to kel. I told her think about having sex with martin, and how that's weird. She was finally able to understand it and respect my feelings
- how her parents said a story bout when she was 3 and how she wanted her food right now
- how in her previous relationships she agreed that she caused a lot of the drama and that she would overreact alot.
- the smoking incident when i stayed over during the snowstorm and how she hid her smoking from me
- her telling me that i couldnt go home and masturbate, then denying she ever said that.
- watching new girl and how that guy wanted to make a move on the girl, and how the guy knew it all along.
- i had told her that mart tried making a move on her and she continued to not believe me.


God is all loving, non-judgmental, and all knowing. He's not looking down on you right now condemning you for your actions, he's happy that you have found someone that loves and cares for you. He's not going to judge you, he understands what you've been through and how you feel. The guilt that you feel isn't coming from him, it's coming from people that are telling you you need to feel guilty for your actions. Like you said, you need to put your faith into him. He knows how you feel and the situation you're in, and he wants both of us to be happy. Something as beautiful as showing love physically to the person you adore is not a sin, it's what he wants us to do. He wants us to love each other to the fullest.

You had told me before that you seek approval of other people, and making someone disappointed in you is the thing that scares you the most. Allowing other people to make you feel guilty for the choices you make for yourself is not what love is about. People who make you feel guilty for these choices don't understand your situation and don't want to; they make it seem like they care, but they just want you to conform to how they think. People who make you feel guilty for us expressing our love to one another don't love you and don't want the best for you.

I know you had mentioned you need to show your love for me in other ways, and challenge yourself. I admire that and completely agree with you, love is something that can be shown in many ways, and needs to be shown in many ways. When love is lacking in one department, it can be felt by the other person.

I remember you telling me one thing that scares you deeply is this relationship not working out, and you giving me a piece of yourself that you cannot get back. And you're right, that's a legitimate concern. But there should be no regrets when you love someone. You should not be judged for the fact that you did physical things with your previous boyfriends, guys that you loved at one time or another. Rather, your situation should be understood by others and you should be proud of the fact that you had loved these people that you care for (mentally, emotionally, and physically).

I know you have told me a lot of your friends have been in and out of multiple relationships, and can't seem to keep things steady. This doesn't come down to physical expression of love, this comes down to a mindset. They were never committed from the get go, and that's what makes it very difficult. Instead of working through difficult times, which happen in EVERY relationship, people will jump ship at the first chance they start to notice trouble in a relationship, and it doesn't have anything to do with the physical expression of love they show one another.

It all comes down to your mindset. Do you have the mindset that you will work through relationship problems no matter how dire they may seem? Will you continue to tunnel through even if there seems like there's no solution to the problem at hand? Many people fail to realize that emotions come and go, and that there are always highs and lows in a relationship. Unless if someone is blatantly disregarding your feelings, or couldn't care if you dropped dead, things can be worked out. You also need to have the mindset that you WANT to work things out. THIS is what commitment is about. Commitment is having the mindset that no matter what happens, we'll be there for each other and WILL work through our issues.

Baby, your mindset towards it is one of guilt. Hear me out, and add in what you want. Every time you get physical, you feel guilty afterwards. This mindset is not going to change overnight. You're not suddenly going to get married one day and all of a sudden feel ready to go. You're going to have underlying guilt until you work on it. You have to understand why you feel guilty when you do these things. It's kind of like when you would try to orgasm. You told me you couldn't do it, because you've been blocking and repressing these feelings for so long. You've trained your mind to avoid climax and now even if you try to do it, your mind is already set and can't let go. Masturbation is not a sin.

"That is that becoming one flesh with one partner provides the best setting for satisfying sexual intimacy. Sex is neither a spectator sport for group indulgence nor an event to test a person's ability to score with multiple partners. Casual sex as a way to prove one's prowess or simply achieve physiologic relief of sexual tension only confirms that his or her ability to copulate is intact. Although providing some pleasure, it fails to meet the deeper need for intimacy that sex was designed to give.
A couple in a long-term committed relationship enters into a more secure and trusting territory with each sexual encounter. In that bed sex can truly become "making love" rather than just having sex. Multiple partners create mistrust, performance anxiety, and comparison evaluations that are barriers to the deepest levels of intimacy."