Thursday, December 5, 2013

Day 12

My withdrawal continues, had 2 wet dreams last night. It's amazing what the mind does in absence of its stimulus. I know consciously that I won't watch porn, but subconsciously, I still crave it. I was really tired the whole day, and pretty much slept all day. I had a few dreams about me watching porn. I just find it fascinating that, subconsciously, my mind is craving for me to watch porn, and if it doesn't happen consciously, it'll make up it's own videos for me to watch.

On top of that, I have noticed that my mindset is starting to slowly change. I have a more negative mindset, and I can't tell if that's due to the withdrawal, getting back to school, or both. I don't necessarily enjoy a lot of the students I work with, as I feel they are very judgmental and immature. Obviously, if they have these characteristics, that shows that they have their own insecurities, but it's hard to see above the forest if you're still among the trees.

My mindset has shifted more towards outcome dependence. My inherent worth is starting to fall back on the "success" or outcome of an event, not the process. I need to remember that it's about the process of learning, not the final product. I feel the same with this new girl; I feel like I'm starting to become outcome dependent, when in reality, it DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. I have a date with her tomorrow, and I'm excited to spend some time with her. At the same time, I shouldn't look at it like I need to perform or whatever, I should just go out and have a good time. I know that she's attracted to me and enjoys hearing from me, so what the fuck is the problem? JUST BE YOURSELF. Whatever happens was probably going to happen anyway, so no point in beating myself up about it.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Day 11

I'm starting to go into another flatline/withdrawal phase.

Today was a pretty boring day. I've noticed for the past few days, I've just been generally lazy and unmotivated to do anything. I've also noticed my temper is coming back, and I'm starting to get more frustrated by people's disrespect/I'm letting other people's actions ruin my day. I don't even want to finish writing up this journal entry, I just don't really give a shit.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Day 9

Went on a date with the Tinder girl. It was a decent date. For some reason, I was really anxious throughout the date and it was a bit hard for me to loosen up. Regardless, she really enjoyed it and asked to see me again.  Honestly, I felt a bit bored and didn't feel any "spark." She's definitely a looker, but I just couldn't feel a spark. I think the reason is because she seems to me to be a secure attachment style. I can tell that I've become a bit avoidant since my last relationship, and I almost subconsciously am afraid to get too close to this girl. I know it's only been one date, but I'm still a bit weary. Anyway, the whole spark thing, I think the reason I couldn't feel that spark is because she's not really a "mystery" or whatever. I know the mystery bullshit probably has something to do with dopamine in my brain, and that's why people get sucked into toxic relationships. Also, insecure attachment styles feed off each other and burn out quick as fuck, so when they come across as a secure, they don't really "feel" anything.

I'm glad I understand all of this, because otherwise I would have just completely ignored it. I could tell my brain was finding any stupid fucking reason to not go out with her again, and I'm sure this is my attachment system trying to shut itself down. Realistically though, I really like how calm/collected she is, and how talkative she is. And when she has an "awkward" moment according to her, I actually find it really cute and endearing. She also seems like a very introspective girl, which is very important to me because she is able to see the deeper meaning and intention behind the superficial. She also seems to be caring...I still am surprised she even gave a shit about warming my hands when they were freezing cold, or even saying hey, let's move around because you look really cold. I really appreciated that.

I really don't like the fact that she smokes, and I honestly find it disgusting. I hope we can come to some sort of compromise about it, because I would like to continue getting to know this girl.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Day 5 or 6?

Things just keep getting better and better. I still have social anxiety, but I'm able to overpower and get through it somehow. I think I'm slowly desensitizing myself to these kinds of situations.

Today my friend wanted to go out to the bars at night, and I decided I would go. I noticed before I went, I was DEATHLY anxious. Literally shaking and all that. I could tell as I got out of my car, I definitely was still anxious, until I saw my friends. Once I sat down, everything was all good. Oddly enough, I felt like I could go talk to anyone if I really wanted to. I didn't do it, I can still tell I have some anxiety, but I was in such good vibes that I think that I would have been able to if I tried. I also noticed that a lot of the guys out there are chumps. I don't want to sound like a giant douche, but most people there are the typical really skinny awkward white dudes. On top of that, there's a couple "good looking" white dudes, who honestly looked like douches. So basically, all the stuff that used to intimidate me is no longer there. I used to be afraid everyone would make fun of me or something, but seeing that people who go to bars really aren't intimidating AND everyone is out there to have a good time has really helped me relieve my anxiety.

One of the girls I'm talking to on Tinder has been texting me non-stop all day. I'm a bit worried she might cling to me, so I need to make sure I keep a bit of distance. She just got out of a relationship too...maybe that's why she's getting all clingy.

I will also say, tinder has helped me realize that people do find me attractive. And when I look in the mirror now, I realize that, hey, I am a pretty good looking guy. It helps knowing some of the girls that are attracted to me are also pretty damn attractive themselves. This has really helped me get over that insecurity, that I'm ugly or no one likes how I look, etc.

Day 5?

What an amazing day. Thanksgiving showed I have so much to be grateful for.

I went to my friend C's house first. His family was awesome as usual, and we ended up hanging out and chopping wood for a couple hours. Being outdoors and actually learning a manly skill really helped me feel like I've accomplished something. He also asked me to be a groomsman at his wedding on June 6th. I'm so stoked for it. They also invited me over for Christmas eve. His fiancee told me I'll have bridesmaids to walk down the aisle, and one of them is single (M). I've met M before, and she used to be hot as hell, but she doesn't look like she'd be my type.

Then I went to my friend K's house, his mamma, aunt, cousin, and brohter were all really cool. We caught up and talked about women, etc. Talking to his mom and aunt, they made me feel so welcome over there that I ended up staying an extra 2 hours after I said I had to leave. Awesome stuff.

In terms of chicks, I'm knee deep and drowning. I found out one of the girl's that works at the gym (blonde K), she's a virgin and not very experienced. She's also super shy, and that's why I saw her that one day at the gym and she was all huddled up and ignoring people. Every time I saw her and said bye, I think she saw that and appreciated it. Anyway, I've talked with K about her, and apparently she's a good girl who has good values, definitely gonna be getting her number.

With so much going on with women, I'm no longer worried about that. Instead, I'm worried about what I'm going to even have the time to date this many women. I remember getting that girl La at the gym's number, and it was easy as hell, even if she just wants to be friends.

Here's my list of chicks so far:

Ki tinder
Li tinder (she hit me up after I got her number and never responded)
La gym
K gym
That other girl at the gym when my phone got jacked
Caleb's fiance's friend M
Ash med school (st. lukes in jan)

What I'm afraid of is how I'm going to date this many women. I didn't realize how easy it is to get a girl's number and ask her out, etc. And the other thing I've learned is through tinder, there's a lot of women who find me attractive, but who might not be right for me. And I'm surprised at how many women think I'm attractive and are pretty damn hot themelves. It definitely gives me the self confidence to go out there and be a good normal dude that isn't a pushover.

It's scary how my mindset is "I don't really care" now with all the options I have. If it works out cool, if not, whatever. And this just makes it even better because the chicks are just coming in day after day.

The other thing I'mm afraid of is what happens if I find one chick that I really like, how will I break the news to the others? I don't want to lead someone on and have them go through what I did with the last girl I dated. I really liked her and it took me a couple of months to get over her....I really don't want to do that to someone. But at the same time, I don't want ot limit my options, and i want to go for the best option. I don't know, but I hope I figure it out sometime soon.

Monday, November 25, 2013

A new beginning

After going through almost a week long porn binge, I have finally realized that I have A LOT of emotional insecurity and issues that I need to work on. I'm very ashamed of how I've turned out, and how much of a setback I've put myself in. I can tell it's the constant orgasm that's making me feel this way, not at peace with my own mind and flesh.

If I am to change who I am as a person, I'm going to need to get to the root cause of my issues. What exactly are my insecurities?

- seeking approval
- need for validation
- inferiority complex

These insecurities manifest in different ways, and I think they definitely played a part in why my last relationship didn't work out. I've realized, with the whole dating thing, I compensate now by trying to fuck random chicks and seek their validation that way, instead of really getting to know them and appreciate them for who they ARE, and not what they can give me.

With my last relationship, I was just so happy that a girl finally liked me that much that I completely fucked the whole thing up with my own insecurities. Notice how when I backed off, she was all over me again. That was simply because I decided not to invest in her anymore, and she was comfortable with my level of investment.

I was so mad at her for leaving me. Why was I mad? Because I didn't have something in my life that I could subconsciously seek validation from. Just because I have a girlfriend, all of a sudden I felt like something. But that's not what a relationship is. I lost sense of who I was in that relationship; I came in with good intentions, and I honestly enjoyed the time I spent with her, but the more I got into it, I realized it was for my own validation that I had a girlfriend. She's not an angel on her end either, especially with the things that she said and what she did at that party. I should have walked away immediately, any self-respecting man would have. But I didn't. I didn't have any options, and I just let her walk all over me.

I have this constant need for validation from others. Why? I feel like there's a part of me that's just unlovable the way I am. And on top of it, I masquerade myself and hold defenses against my true self; I all of a sudden have trouble being vulnerable. It isn't the perfection that draws good people together, it's the rough edges.

Fuck, I feel like shit right now. I literally feel horrible. I need to find what gives my life meaning.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Back to day 1

Yesterday was a pretty bad day....I'm fairly certain at this point I was going through a flatline. I just felt very unmotivated and depressed, it sucks. Anyway, I get on Tinder last night and start chatting with this girl who is down to fuck, and that's how I relapse. I literally have trouble sleeping all of last night, and somewhere around 6-7 AM, I bust a nut. I can't tell if I did it voluntarily or not...I do know that I felt it coming and at the very last second said fuck it, and just let it loose.

When I woke up, I had a HUGE urge to watch some porn. Almost caved but didn't do it. It's crazy how the mind works and how strong some neuronal pathways are. I currently feel a bit better, so I was most definitely going through a flatline, no questions asked. I hope that my recovery is still on track, but I'd imagine this is most likely going to be another setback.